I’m a geek. I love new technology. So initially when the Segway Human Transport™ was introduced, I thought, “How sweet is that?!” Soon after, I heard that municipalities were considering passing legislation in order to regulate the oncoming Segwayâ„¢ society that was sure to occur. Proposals that were considered included separate lanes for exclusive Segway™ use. I thought, “But of course. For there will be at least seven Segways™ in every household so naturally it would be wise to anticipate all of this new traffic.” (Notice I said “But of course.” That’s because in my mind I always speak with a French accent.)

When they were introduced however my excitement over the new technology changed to, “Ermmm” then to, “Hmmmmm.” and finally to, “What the f*ck?!” It seems this is a technology filling a need which doesn’t actually exist. As intuitive as the transports are, they are slightly faster than walking, significantly slower than a bicycle and cost as much as my first car. As an added bonus, you burn exactly the same amount of calories as you would if you were standing still. But that’s only because when you’re riding a Segway™ you ARE standing completely still. I therefore came to the conclusion that Segways™ are for lazy f*cks with too much money.

So I was standing in line at Chipotle this weekend ready to order my favorite Black-bean-carnitas-Burrito Bowl, when a guy cruises up and waits in line behind me. ON HIS SEGWAY™. Mind you Chipotle doesn’t have a drive-thru nor have they implemented the Federally mandated, Segway Human Transport™ Lanes so yes, this was indeed INSIDE the restaurant.

Lazy f*ck.