“Did you get my email?”, I asked. “No.” my wife said. “Well check your email.” “No. it’s late and I don’t want to check email right now.” “C’mon. Out of all the emails I’ve sent, this is the best one EVER!” “You say every one is the best one ever.” she said plainly. “Yes.” I said, “And they are. This best one is better than the last best one, which makes it THE BEST ONE EVER!” “Oh Lord.” she groaned. I heard the covers shift as she reached over to retrieve her laptop.”

I was laying in a huge King sized bed in an absolutely palatial hotel that I would not have been able to afford. But this was a business trip so I was not affording it, the company was. I heard Tricia clicking on a few keys then the familiar ding of her email program sounded through the phone. “Did you get it?” “Yes, What is this?” She asked. “It’s my Personality DNA. It’s one of those personality tests, like the ones companies give their employees in order to assess their dispositions.” “OK, I’m reading it right now.” I waited. “So what do you think?” I asked anxiously. “I’m not finished reading it yet.” She said, “Read faster.” I said. She ignored me.

Typically I’m not a huge fan of personality tests. Usually after taking them people end up feeling very smug and they walk around the entire day acting superior saying, “I’m such and such type and we generally do blah, blah, blah, blee, blee, blee.” That is unless they disagree with the results, in which case they complain saying, “I don’t think I’m this way at all.” Not realizing the test was accurate and they are indeed, that way. As it was, I happened to agree with my results so I was feeling very smug.

And superior.

“OK, I’m done.” She said finally. “Sweet! What do you think?” I asked. “Huh?” She said dumbly. “What. Do. You. Think?” I said, emphasizing each word. “I know you heard me woman!” She laughed.

“Well it says you’re a Benevolent Visonary…” She began. “Yes. And?” “Well…” She continued, “I don’t think I’d use the word ‘Benevolent’ to describe you. Ever! Never ever!” “What? Why not?” I heard her tap a few more keys, before she read:

Benevolent (Be*nev”o*lent) (?), a.
[L. benevolens, -entis; bene well (adv. of bonus good) + volens, p. pr. of volo I will, I wish. See Bounty, and Voluntary.]

Having a disposition to do good; possessing or manifesting love to mankind, and a desire to promote their prosperity and happiness; disposed to give to good objects; kind; charitable. — Be*nev”o*lent*ly, adv.

“See… umm, that’s not you. AT ALL! In fact… How can I put this delicately?… You’re kinda the exact OPPOSITE of that.” “Well maybe they have a different definition of benevolent having to do with the context of being a visionary.” I offered. “Yes…” she agreed, “Either that or they are just plain wrong.” “No!” I retorted, “Maybe YOU’RE wrong! You and that jerk, Webster! Did you ever think of that?!!” She gave me a few beats to calm down, but I could hear her smirking through the phone.

“So what words would you use to describe me then?” I said, calming down a bit. “Oh I don’t know…” She paused to think for a second. “Delusional Asshole. How ’bout that. Do they have that category?”

“I’m done with you. I’m going to bed now.” “Goodnight.” She said cheerily, “I love you!” “Whatever woman.”, I mumbled under my breath. “What did you say?” “Huh… What…”, I stammered, “I said I love you too…jeez leave me alone.” “Uh-huh. That’s what you better have said.” She said defiantly.

Stupid-ass Webster and his dumb-ass dictionary.